


monsters inside your head

by aloistrancy



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Multi, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-30
Updated: 2017-05-30
Packaged: 2018-11-06 17:22:19
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11040777
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aloistrancy/pseuds/aloistrancy
Summary: On one hand he had everything; friends, fans, and, opportunities he never would have had otherwise. Yet there was always this tiny voice in his head telling him he shouldn’t be this tired and achy at twenty one.





	monsters inside your head

**Author's Note:**

> ok...listen to ME this ot3 is real as hell. anyway i love changkyun so much why do i always write him being so sad. my sad baby. this fic is just me churning out my consciousness repeatedly so (its garbage). heed the self harm reference tag if thats something iffy for you. xoxox.

It’s hard when all you want to do is cry but you have to save face. In moments like this when all he can feel is pure exhaustion, his bones aching to stop but he must continue. Their life doesn’t come with a pause button and Changkyun must go on. He knew he wasn’t the only one who ached for sleep, they all did, he just felt the exhaustion emotionally. When he felt like he had been pulled too far an overwhelming sadness took over and he would feel his eyes prick with tears. In moments when he was supposed to feel confident and strong all he wanted to do was hide behind the other’s and let them take over. Like now as they wrapped up another fan meet in Japan after a performance. Changkyun stayed to the back and remained mostly quiet unless explicitly asked. When he was exhausted he never sought out the spotlight, he never did it much in general either. Lately however Kihyun had been eyeing him like a hawk, he would always let his eyes track Changkyun’s movements whenever he offered an answer to something asked of him. The youngest knew it had something to do with the ‘loneliness’ answer he’d given on MBC Nimble. After the filming he’d gotten an ear full about that. _‘Since when are you ever alone? And why would you be good at it?’_ Kihyun had scolded as he furrowed his brows. An angry Kihyun was never fun to deal with.

“What’s wrong?” Kihyun had asked as he wiped a hand across his own forehead. The group had made their way back into the van and somehow Changkyun had found himself between Kihyun and Wonho. The two biggest leeches in his life. The question had been whispered to him but he felt like everyone had tuned in for his answer even though no one had turned to look. Even over the rev of the engine Changkyun felt like he was amplified. For some reason it made him want to cry even more. All he could do was shake his head as he avoided Kihyun’s gaze. It was hard for Changkyun to process his feelings. On one hand he had everything; friends, fans, and, opportunities he never would have had otherwise. Yet there was always this tiny voice in his head telling him he shouldn’t be this tired and achy at twenty one.

The ride to the hotel was silent but Changkyun could feel both Wonho and Kihyun’s gaze on him. He didn’t want to talk about it right now. There was no need when he knew he would just break down into tears in front of them and cause them to feel bad. He kept his head down as the van pulled up to their hotel and he did his best to get out of the car without looking entirely like he was evading an attack from his hyungs. Changkyun loved them and he knew they loved him back but sometimes being alone was what’s best for someone. It wasn’t his fault they worried about him so much. At least that was how he explained why he would brush off their attempts to comfort him. Sometimes not even the warmth of Kihyun’s hand on the back of his head or Wonho’s annoyingly cute pestering could make Changkyun feel better. It’s why he felt like he was so good at being alone. He would coop himself up in his rented studio on their days off, coming back to their dorm at early hours in the morning. It was why he never felt jealous when Kihyun and Wonho spent time alone without him. He loved to be alone with himself. 

Changkyun had a difficult personality to gauge and he knew it. He flipped like a switch; adorable and clingy one moment and closed off the next. He couldn’t ever explain himself when the members would question him later as to why he acted like that. Changkyun had always been that way since he was a child. He was always cautious and careful with how he spoke. It was always a shock to himself that he meshed so well with Kihyun, so much so he would shut the elder up with his mouth pressed to his. And Wonho wasn’t much better, he was loud and clingy and always sought attention. The three of them were completely different and completely made for one another. Changkyun calmed them down, Kihyun took care of them, and, Wonho reminded the two of them to be gentle. It was a strange trifecta the three of them were. 

On their way up to their hotel’s Minhyuk and Jooheon had chatted happily about little things that happened that night. How Hyungwon had almost gone too far in his flirting with a fan, _‘I was practicing my Japanese’_ he offered as an explanation which made even Shownu roll his eyes. Changkyun was content just to listen, he had nothing to offer to the conversation as he spent most of the night just going through the motions of being an idol. Sometimes he wondered if he was even cut out for this life. He wasn’t particularly handsome or extremely good at anything notable. Was he just a laughing stock? His brain would helpfully supply whenever he questioned himself.

Changkyun had been self assured once, when he was with Nu’Bility he thought it was the start of the rest of his life. With his brothers by his side he couldn’t imagine anything bad happening to them. Changkyun had never set himself up to even think of failure. And then it happened, everything had crumbled and slipped from his grip and he watched. When he called his mother the night their contracts were dissolved he couldn’t help the way his body was wracked with sobs. They were so bad his mother had told him she was coming to get him, she had to be by his side. And Changkyun hadn’t argued because _‘it’s all over’_ he had explained to her through tears. And he had thought it was all over for him, he was going to have to go back to his plan of science. The backup plan he thought he’d kissed goodbye.

Changkyun quickly learned self doubt, No.Mercy had engrained it into him. Taught him to be cautious and not speak his mind often. He never wanted to blame his members and he would never say such a thing out loud. When he was alone he often thought back to their critical and harsh words that had been drilled into his memory and stamped there.

“Tell me what’s wrong.” Wonho had crowded him into his own room. Kihyun was quick behind him and Changkyun had no idea when he’d become so disconnected from reality. “Tell us now, we’re not going to let you hurt yourself.” Ah, that. It hadn’t been something he did often, there would be no way he could get away with it had it been a recurring habit. There were times when Changkyun would slip. His thoughts would become so dangerous he would cut the soft flesh of his thighs, places easy to hide.

Of course Wonho and Kihyun were exceptions to that little fact. Late one night in a hotel room much like this one in a country that wasn’t their own. Wonho had been lazily running his fingers just under the hem of Changkyun’s short, his fingers stopped suddenly as he felt a divot in the soft skin there. He was quick to drop his tablet down onto the borrowed sheets and sit up. Changkyun had never felt more terrified in his life. His heart nearly stopped when Wonho had called Kihyun over from where he worked on his laptop at the desk. Changkyun just sat there and watched the two of them before Wonho had pulled his shorts up and stared down at the razor thin cuts on his thighs. And Wonho being Wonho he immediately demanded an explanation, brows furrowed as he stared at Changkyun expectedly. Changkyun had always thought Wonho contained so much emotion in his body that he might burst, it’s how he appeared to him that night. So concerned and worried, it was written all over his beautiful face and Changkyun wanted to apologize. Instead he just dropped his gaze and avoided their eyes. Were they judging him? Did they think less of him? Changkyun was weak, he had always been weak and now they had seen a part of him he had always tried to hide. Kihyun’s hand rested gently on the back of Changkyun’s neck before he spoke softly to him and him alone. 

“We love you. You are the most important person to us. Please tell us why you’re doing this.” For once he wasn’t bragging, he wasn’t being abrasive and sarcastic. Changkyun didn’t need to hide any part of himself from them anymore. And that night the three of them stayed up and Changkyun explained through tears how everything had felt to him when he thought his dream was over. Wonho cried openly as he always did and Kihyun smiled sadly as him with unshed tears. He promised this wouldn’t have to happen again, he wasn’t going to let it.

They had kept that promise. Wonho and Kihyun always made sure to check on Changkyun. One or both of them would catch him in the hallway and ask him how he was, if they were surrounded they would shoot him a subtle text. Like right now as the two of them had pulled him into their hotel room. 

“I don’t want to hurt myself.” Changkyun had explained as he shook his head. All he wanted to do was cry, cry until he fell asleep, and start over tomorrow. “I’m just tired. I’m just so tired.” He explained through a whisper as he watched Wonho begin to undress. “I really want to go to sleep.” His voice easily betrayed him as it wavered. Changkyun could feel the way tears began to build behind his eyes. 

“Changkyunie.” Kihyun whispered then as he noticed the way Changkyun’s eyes watered. He was quick to pull him into a hug. 

“I’m tired.” Changkyun repeated as he pressed his face tightly against Kihyun’s neck. It was so hard for him to cry in front of the other’s. When he was strung so tight and he finally broke he couldn’t help the way his tears felt and soaked the other’s neck. He couldn’t explain why he grabbed onto Kihyun so hard and held onto him like his life depended on it. Changkyun sobbed openly and he hoped it couldn’t be heard outside these walls. These two were the only ones he ever wanted to see him so vulnerable. And through a choked sob he repeated, “I just want to go to sleep.” 

“Shh, baby.” Wonho had whispered as he stepped closer to Changkyun. “You don’t need to explain your tears.” He murmured softly as he pressed himself up against the rapper’s back. He shared a soft, concerned look over the youngest’s bowed head to Kihyun. Changkyun was theirs. Of course the two of them would be worried. They hated seeing him like this. 

The three of them remained wrapped up in one another until Changkyun could breathe normally once again. For some reason Changkyun felt like a burden to the older members. He would be stand offish until he finally snapped and forced them to take care of him. What sort of contribution was that? Even as his tears had started to dry he pulled his head back and glanced between Wonho and Kihyun with puffy eyes. 

“Don’t I annoy you?” Changkyun asked softly. He was genuine and that hurt Wonho the most. Why would he ever think that about himself? “Do I burden you when I do this?” He spoke such nonsense. 

“Do I look annoyed?” Kihyun asked softly. If anyone would let you know they were annoyed it would be Yoo Kihyun. Kihyun simply shook his head as he reached his hand up to dab under Changkyun’s eyes. “You could never annoy me. You’re far too quiet. Hoseok annoys me a lot. You? Never.” 

Changkyun couldn’t help but laugh as he nodded in agreement.

Wonho simply pouted as the two bonded over how much of an annoyance he was in front of him. He didn’t complain though it was worth it to see Changkyun smile. 

“You’re not a burden to us. You always take care of us. Let us do the same in return, okay?” Wonho had asked softly as he stepped closer to Kihyun so he could face Changkyun. “You know how we feel about you, you’re ours.” He explained softly as he pressed his palm to Changkyun’s cheek, thumb just under the youngest’s eye. “We love every side of you. Remember that.” Wonho had listened the night Changkyun broke down and explained the cuts and scars on his body. He listened and he remembered. Always. 

“You never have to worry about how we feel, about how we see you. We only see you. All of you.” Kihyun leaned in and nudged his nose to Changkyun’s hair. He couldn’t help the way he inhaled and Changkyun’s cologne was so familiar he nearly melted. How could this perfect, talented boy feel so helpless? Kihyun would never understand why Changkyun’s view of himself was so skewed from reality but he would spend the rest of his life trying to argue it out of him.

Ever since Changkyun had come into their lives Wonho wondered when Kihyun got so wise and sensitive. He had always been caring to a certain degree but Changkyun had brought out this soft side of him. One Wonho always got to see when Kihyun would drag Changkyun to the bathroom and wash his face when the youngest was too tired to do so. He watched the way the vocalist would pepper kisses to Changkyun’s pretty face as he complained. Kihyun had become the best version of himself because of the youngest’s influence and Wonho had never loved him more. They each had their roles and Wonho knew his was to remind the most sarcastic (Kihyun) and most broody (Changkyun) to come back to reality. Wonho reminded them that it was okay to be sensitive and vulnerable as he always was.

“It’s okay to cry.” Wonho explained as he smiled at the youngest. And when Changkyun laughed loudly and nodded he knew why. Changkyun had been the one to wipe his tears as he cried in front of thousands. Sure he would never live that down but he felt warm whenever Changkyun would whisper how cute he looked, how the fans felt his love that night. Changkyun took care of them too. He was the youngest but he did always look out for their feelings and often acted like he was older than them. 

“With you as an example I don’t think Changkyun think otherwise.” Kihyun teased as he pulled back and ran a hand through Changkyun’s hair as he shot Wonho a look. “You can be yourself around us. You don’t need to hide it.”

Changkyun knew that, he could tell by how they both looked at him with soft eyes and how their mouths spilled nothing but kind words. 


End file.
